my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
