oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
