i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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