Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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