I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
