We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
