Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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