Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
