you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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