he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
