Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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