party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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