I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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