i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
