My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
