He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
