Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All I want is dick and wine.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
