True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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