I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
