Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
