I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
