I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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