I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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