Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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