My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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