I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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