first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Terrible idea I love it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
