He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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