I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
