I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
