Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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