I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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