guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
