can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I AM VODKA MAN
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
