last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
how drunk are you?
Several
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
