Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
