just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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