I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
