There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
