im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
