so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
