Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
