Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
