i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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