omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
