sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
