he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
