i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
