i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You work out of a Hotel?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
