the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
