If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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