I haven't been this sober since birth.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
